Josh awoke with a stiff neck, a dull headache, and a generally morose outlook. He could hear Evalyn in the kitchen talking to one of the kids, but he couldn't tell which one. He scowled without thinking, and stumbled into the bathroom. His face in the mirror didn't do anything to cheer him up. He brushed his hair out of his eyes, trudged into the kitchen, and slumped into a chair at the table.
"Hi, Dad." It was Karen, and she put her arms tightly around his sore neck.
"Ouch! Karen, don't do that!"
Karen jumped away from him, and Evalyn, on her way to render her own good morning greeting, stopped short.
"Josh, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Nothing, except I hurt all over."
"Oh, no! Are you sick?"
"Surely you jest," he said, sarcastically. "Of course, I'm sick - good and sick. Why else would I hurt all over?"
She started to turn away, thought better of it, and came over to him. She put her hand on his shoulder. He pulled away, not abruptly but obviously, and stood up beside her. The hurt look in her eyes was fleeting, but he saw it and repented slightly. He put his hand on hers.
"I've sorry, Ev, and Karrie, too. I really feel like 'the morning after,’ right now. I think maybe I'll put my clothes on, and take a walk."
As he closed the door, he heard Karen ask Ev if he was sick. He didn't hear the answer.
"No, sweetie, I don't think he's really sick. I think it's just been a super hard week for him, and it's catching up. He'll be okay after a while. You better hurry for school. Mike's already gone."
Karen was soon out the door, and Josh followed close behind, dressed but clearly in no better spirits than before. He gave a half-hearted wave, and said he'd be back soon. Evalyn poured a fresh cup of coffee, and sat down at the table.
"Thank you, Lord,” she said aloud. "I'm excited, and I feel pretty good, but I think I know how Josh feels this morning. This is pretty scary!"
Josh found himself walking the same route he had walked the previous Wednesday (only six days ago!). But this time he wasn't thinking about the families who lived on the street. Actually, he wasn't thinking much of anything. He was just depressed. Well, yes, he was thinking something: he was wondering what in the world he had started. Have I really challenged the whole church to live like Jesus would have? What prompted me to lose control like that? What am I going to do next Sunday?
Now, he wasn't depressed - he was panicked! A scripture leapt to his mind, the one about the king who went to battle and the man who started to build the temple, both without counting the cost! Oh, Lord, what have I done? Another scripture quickly followed, about being "puffed up" and arrogant with God, following by still another, this one about not tempting God. Am I arrogant; have I overstepped, and am I tempting God with this scheme?
He sank down on the same bench he had sat on only a few mornings before. He was shaking now, and he put his head in his hands. He closed his eyes, and whispered "Oh, God", and suddenly he wasn't panicked, anymore. With no warning - no obvious change - he was calm again, his mind clear and expectant. And this time a thought came to him so clearly that it seemed for a moment that a real voice was speaking aloud to him.
Remember Satan quoting scripture to Jesus to tempt and test Him? Those words were right from scripture, but not in the right context. Yes, you started out wrong, Josh - you wanted to play a game of numbers in your church - but you changed, remember? You haven't asked your people to do what you would do. You've asked them to consider, and do what Jesus would do, and you've said that you would try to do the same thing. Could anything be more glorifying to God? Get thee behind me, Satan!
Warmth spread over Josh's body, and he glanced up to see if the sun had come out from behind a cloud, but there were no clouds. All was just the same around him; it was changes in himself that he was feeling. He said "Thank you, Lord" aloud, got up from the bench, and continued down the street. Betty was just putting out the morning mail as he reached Paul's office.
"Morning, Pastor," she said, in her shy way.
"Hi, Betty. Great day!" He meant it. "How are you and Ed doing? I haven't run into him for several weeks."
"We're fine. Ed's been on the road quite a bit, though. He's just back from a meeting in San Francisco, but I think he'll be home for a while, now."
Josh couldn't remember what kind of job Ed Watters had. He wasn't a churchgoer, and Josh only saw him every month or so at church socials and other events. He seemed nice enough, although (as one person had put it) "a little red- necked."
"Well, that's good. It must be hard to be separated. I know our house seems to go crazy if I'm gone overnight, or when Ev and the kids go off to Grandma's." He turned his attention to the office. "Is Paul in?"
"Yes, go on in. I don't think he's doing anything special. We just got out the mail."
Josh started for the door, but Betty spoke again. "I've been thinking about your message Sunday night."
Josh turned back. "Yes?"
She obviously was uncomfortable and hesitant. "I think I'm interested, Pastor, I mean, it sounds and feels good to me, but I guess I don't really know what might happen. And I worry, what with Ed not involved at the church. What should I do?"
He came back down the walk toward her, and smiled. "I wish I knew, Betty! We're all going to be learning together this time. I know that it's scripturally right to apply the Bible to our daily lives - to develop what some folks call a personal relationship with God - but I honestly don't know how to do that any better than you do. Those of us who are interested are just going to have to work it out, together. The one thing I know we have is the word of God that if we lack wisdom, we should ask. That's what I'm doing, and we can help one another. You pray for me, and I'll pray for you.”
She frowned, then tentatively held out her hand to him. He took it. "Okay, I'll try," she said. "I just hope it's all right."
***
Paul was in the office with the door closed. Josh knocked and walked in.
"Morning, Mr. Businessman."
"Hi, Josh." Paul smiled, but not openly. "How's life?"
Josh sat down. "Super last night, rotten this morning, but rapidly getting better, again."
"And the cause of your ups and downs?"
"Last night, of course. I really had a time this morning, worrying about what I might have started with last night's challenge."
"I think maybe you should worry."
Josh looked to see if Paul was smiling. He wasn't. In fact, he looked very somber.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean, have you really considered what you're doing? The soap opera thing was pretty unique, and it upset a few people, but it was just silliness. But this, this could bring the church down around you!"
Josh felt the twinge of panic, again. "What do you mean, bring the church down around me? You weren't worried about Mrs. Hoddy and the others who might not like my ‘soap opera silliness,' as you call it.”
"But, Josh, can't you see that that was pretty harmless stuff? If it didn't work, you would write it off as an ill-advised gimmick that failed. But last night you told the whole congregation - almost the whole town - that you didn't know how to pastor a church. You implied that a lot of them weren't living Christian lives. You didn't just change the order of the service - you kicked a few holes in the church, itself! Believe me, Josh, this could turn out to be a really serious mistake, for you and for the church. If it goes much farther, there's going to be trouble."
"What kind of trouble?"
Paul was facing him now, and he looked almost angry. He seemed to be tensing his whole body to keep his arms from flying up in some wild, frustrated gesture.
"Think about what I'm saying! People go to church for stability. Remember the hymn about a shelter from the storm? That's what people want in church. Some like it with a little dose of hellfire and brimstone preaching - as long as they're safe in church - but most just want to escape for a while. They aren't going to stand for a preacher who is uncertain, and who makes them feel uncertain. Some are going to look elsewhere. Worse for you, some may ask you to look elsewhere!"
Paul went back to his desk and sat with his head cradled in his arms. Josh felt hot and drained. Neither spoke for well over a minute. Finally, Josh started for the door.
"I'm sorry I came on quite so strong, Josh." Paul didn't look up when he spoke. "But we should have talked before you did this. It's really gotten to me. It looks like it could tear down everything we've worked for. I don't want to see that happen, Josh. There's too much at stake."
Josh turned with his hand on the door knob. "How do you feel personally, Paul? I mean, if you weren't worried about the church."
He still didn't raise his head. "I don't know, but that's really irrelevant. I've been appointed an elder in this church, and that means I'll do what the members want. It has to be that way."
"What if what the members want isn't what God wants?"
Paul raised his head, and there were tears in his eyes. "But how can we know that? The church is tangible, it's here, and running it is the only sure way we know to do God's work."
Josh went out and closed the door. He didn't even know if Betty was in the office, everything seemed so dark to him. He went back to the park and sat on the same bench. No sun now. He didn't even feel grouchy, like he had that morning. He didn't really feel anything, anymore.
***
Evalyn had had two cups of coffee, written a letter, put the wash in, and cleaned up the kitchen before she really started to worry about Josh. If this morning had just been an expected valley after last night's mountain top experience (she smiled: two of them, actually!), then it should be over by now. So, where was he? After walking the length of the house twice more, she put on her jacket and started down the street. She found him on the park bench. He was staring at the ground, and didn't seem to hear her come up.
"Hi, sailor."
He looked up. "Hi, yourself." He looked miserable.
"Not any better, huh?"
"Worse." He didn't volunteer anything else, so she sat down beside him, and stared with him for a while.
"Paul thinks I've made a big mistake."
"In what way?"
"He thinks my message last night will be too much for the church, that either everybody will leave or they'll ask us to leave.”
That sent a chill all the way through her, but she tried not to react outwardly.
"So, what do you think?"
"I don't know. It felt right last night, but it certainly didn't this morning." He paused. "But then it did, again. But, finally, it didn't!"
"What do you mean, finally? Have you received the last word?"
He stood up, walked a little distance away, seemingly changed his mind about something, and sat down again.
"Paul was so intense! You know how much I depend on him as a sounding board on church business ideas. He has an uncanny sense about how to handle things. If it bothered him that much, there's got to be something wrong."
Evalyn closed her eyes, and tried to concentrate especially hard. Some thought was trying to get out of her mind, and she felt that she had to formulate it just exactly right, if it was to get out of her mouth.
"You said you felt better at some time this morning. Try to tell me what's been going on since you woke up."
Josh recited the transition from general bad humor to despair to eager excitement to his current feeling of utter defeat. She mused some more before speaking.
"You felt better when you heard the words that showed you that your motives were good. You felt better still when Betty expressed her interest. Were Paul's negative words so much more significant than the positive ones you heard?"
"But I trust Paul! And the positive words I heard were really just in my head, and Betty, well... "
"Well, what? She's just a woman?"
"No, of course not."
"How about, she's just a person - one of the flock - and Paul is an elder?"
Josh was getting upset. "Now, wait a minute. I'm not saying anything of the kind, but okay, Paul is an elder, and he's a good one. He's helped me a lot with this organization."
Evalyn wasn't too cool, herself, but she tried to pick her words carefully.
"I know Paul is your friend - he's my friend, too - and I know that you and he have done a lot together to make our church run right. But, Josh, have you considered that you might not need the organizational voice now, as much as you need the spiritual one?"
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning what you know, already - that this is not church business, as usual, Can you remember how we got to where we are today? This is a new thing, Josh! I think that God has you out ahead of Paul right now, and you may have to hear other voices for a while. I know God is giving you confirmation in many ways that what you are trying is right, yet look at the trouble you're having keeping that perspective. It may take some time for others to catch up. The voice in your head, and Betty's enthusiasm, may be the best things for you to hang on to right now."
"But how can I know?"
She rested her forehead on his shoulder, and put her arms around his neck. A few tears trickled down onto his shirt, but she felt peaceful and calm now.
"How can we know anything? Pray. Search the scriptures. Pay attention to that ‘still small voice.’ I don't know, Josh, but I'm sure that God can - and will - make Himself clear to us, some way!"
He didn't say anything, but he seemed less tense. She hugged him gently.
"Remember what we said last night? We're the helpers here. We don't need to know everything. We just need to know what He needs us to know."
"Okay", he said. "I'll try to remember. But, God, this is hard!"
They walked home slowly, his arm around her.
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