Josh didn't remember getting into bed, or anything else until almost nine o'clock the next morning. He woke drained, achy, and hopeless. He didn't move for another quarter-hour, then made his way slowly to the bathroom, then on to the kitchen. The house appeared empty except for him. The coffee was warm on the back burner of the stove. He poured a cup, and took it to the table in the breakfast nook. The sun was shining in. Good thing, he said to himself. It certainly isn't shining out of me, today!
He stared into space for a good ten minutes, occasionally sipping the coffee. It was excellent, but he couldn't have attested to that. His mind and his senses were blank.
Suddenly, Evalyn was seated across from him, her chin resting in her cupped hands. She was smiling at him. He had no idea how long she'd been there.
"Good morning, Reverend Felton."
He tried to smile, but the result wasn't even a good grimace. "If you say so."
"Not so good, huh?"
He shook his head. "Disaster."
She nodded. "What are you going to do about it?"
He shook his head again. "Probably nothing. It seems like every time I do something, it just gets worse."
She slapped the table hard enough to startle him. "Josh Felton, you're about to make me mad!"
"I thought you already were. Everybody else seems to be." His modest attempt at humor was misguided and ill-received.
"If I'm mad at you, it's because I'm getting tired of your martyr complex. Quit feeling sorry for yourself!"
He was challenged in spite of himself. "My ‘martyr complex' is bothering you, is it?"
"Yes, it is, and it should be bothering you, too!"
He was angry now, but couldn't think of any suitable riposte. He ended up just raising his eyebrows at her, in an elaborate unspoken question. She laughed. "Josh, you look like a deranged owl!"
He started a wounded reply, but her smiling face was too much for him. He was defused. "Deranged owl, indeed," he grumbled, but he reached across the table for her hand. "Thanks, I needed that."
"My pleasure. Do you feel better?"
"No, not really. You're right, though, I have been playing dog in the manger."
She squeezed his hand. "Josh, don't you see that despite everything we talked about and prayed about, you've taken this all back on your shoulders, again? God told us to trust Him. I know that's not easy - and Pete and Donna sure didn't make it any easier! - but that's the rule of this game. Trust Him!"
He tried to smile. "I know you're right, Ev, but it seems to take all my faith, and more, to be able to play by that rule."
"So, ask for more faith. Harry would probably say something like, if you don't have faith, just have the faith to ask for faith and He'll give you faith to have faith."
He laughed. "Yes, Harry probably would say something like that - and he'd be right, too, if you could just follow all the twistings and turnings of his logic."
"So, are we ready to do something about this?"
He got serious. "I guess we have to, and I guess the best thing is to go ahead as we'd planned before last night. Yesterday, I felt strongly that I needed to talk to Milt Thomas. I think we should go on that leading."
"Then call him." She paused. "And, what the hell, fly over there. If that's not trusting God, what is?"
"It's only money, right? Well, okay, if it seems right, but I still like the idea of meeting him somewhere part-way. I'll see what he thinks."
* * *
Milt thought meeting somewhere was a good idea, and suggested they do it right away. They decided to meet in La Grande - which was about half-way between Boise and Portland - on Friday evening.
Josh went out to do some shopping, so he missed seeing Debbie, who came to visit that afternoon. She and Bill had been conspicuously silent the previous evening. Evalyn mentioned that to her.
"Well, we were taking it all in, but I guess we didn't know what to say or do about it. We talked about it when Bill took me home." She smiled, as much to herself as at Evalyn. "Well, we talked about that, among other things."
"Debbie! What are you hinting at?"
She grinned. "Oh, just that I think I've found a very special friend." She shifted gears. "But seriously, Ev, I don't want to make light of the situation. I know it's really tough on everybody. I'm especially sorry that Donna and Pete are so upset, but I guess everybody has to do what seems right to them. Isn't that what we were talking about that night, about the Holy Spirit not necessarily telling everyone the same thing?"
Ev nodded. "And it's the essence of last night's message, too: trust Me."
They visited for a bit. "Speaking of everybody doing what they feel they need to do," said Debbie, "I'm going to California Sunday morning."
"Oh, Debbie; so soon?"
"I have to, Ev. I hate to leave right now, both because of Bill and because I might miss all kinds of fun... "
"Oh, right!"
" ...But it really does seem right to get on my way."
Ev wanted to know more, but it was awkward to ask. She did, anyway. "Deb, why are you going - really?"
Debbie didn't answer at once. "Well, I do want to see my folks, and it is a good time as far as the job situation is concerned. Also, I just need to get away by myself, to think."
"To think about the baby?"
"About a lot of things. But, yes, about the baby."
"Can I help, Deb?"
Debbie smiled. "You have, Ev. All of you, more than you know."
***
Josh got home just as Mike and Karen were coming in from school. Karen's "hi, Mom and Dad" was typical. Mike's lack of any kind of greeting was not. Josh followed him to his room.
"How's it going, Mike?"
"Okay, I guess." Mike didn't look up from changing his shoes.
Josh sensed that things were not okay, but he'd been too upset himself to know how hard Mike had taken everything. Consequently, he was more than a little surprised when Mike blew up at him.
"It's not fair, Dad! Why do you have to screw everything up?"
"What's on your mind, Mike?" He asked it calmly, he thought. He wasn't calm.
Mike had been worrying the subject all day, and now that the discussion was opened, it all came out. "Why do we have to leave here? Don't you care about what happens to Pete and Donna?"
Josh tried to respond calmly; Mike didn't wait. "And what about me and Karen? We like it here. This is our home, We like our school. What about our friends? Hey, I'm almost a senior... "
"Whoa, boy!" Josh put his hand on Mike's shoulder. "That's too much to talk about all at once. Can we slow down?"
But Mike couldn't slow down yet. He pulled away. "I don't want to leave here, Dad. You don't have to do this, and it's not fair. It's just not fair!"
Before Josh could say another word, Mike had bolted for the door. Josh called his name, but the sound of retreating footsteps continued until the front door slammed.
Josh ran his hands through his hair, and shook his head. "Now, that was a heck of a lot of fun!" he said, aloud.
* * *
After dinner, Josh surprised everyone by calling a family conference. He hadn't shared with Evalyn his discussion with Mike, and he didn't know how much she had discerned. Mike knew what was coming, and didn't really want any part of it. Josh firmly directed him back to his place at the table.
"We need to talk about last night, and what it might mean to us as a family. I know people are upset, so we need to get things out in the open, and clear the air.
"First, I apologize to you kids for not talking to you before I started talking to other people about possibly leaving the church. That wasn't fair." He glanced at Evalyn. "I seem to have done a lot of that unfair stuff, lately.
"Anyway, now that I've messed it up, let's try to straighten it out, together. And please remember, it's not certain that we're leaving. We might not. Everything might work out so that we stay right here without any real changes. When I say I'm thinking about doing something else, that's just what I'm doing: thinking, praying, and getting ideas. We have a lot of reasons to stay right here - our home, our friends, your school - so we definitely won't leave unless it's really clear that we should."
He waited for some feedback, but there wasn't any. "Okay, if that's clear, we all need to realize that it may not be our decision whether we stay or go. At least, it may not be my decision whether or not I stay on as pastor of this church. We wouldn't necessarily have to move away, even if we didn't stay in this church. But we have to be realistic: it could end up that we just can't stay in church. If that happened, then we'd have to figure out what we're going to do, both for a job and for a place to live."
"They can't fire you, can they, Daddy?" asked Karen.
“Well, yes they can, because the church runs like a business, with bosses, rules, regulations, hirings, and firings."
"But remember," interjected Evalyn, "We're going after what God wants for us, and He only wants the very best. If they fire us, it will be because God has something else He wants us to do.”
"I don't want to leave our house," said Karen, just on the verge of tears.
"I know, sweetie." Evalyn took her hand. "It bothers me, too. But God wouldn't ask us to move unless He had something really special for us, somewhere else."
"It'd have to be pretty special," grumbled Mike.
Josh nodded in acknowledgment of Mike's feelings, but didn't get any response. "Now, there's also the question of Pete and Donna. It's true that they really work for your mom and I, and they could lose their jobs if we go. But that's true whether we're forced to go, or go voluntarily. On the other hand, it's not certain that they'd have to leave. The next pastor might decide to keep them on. That happens."
"That's good," said Karen.
"Yes, it is. But remember, even if it didn't work out that way, God is taking care of them just like He's taking care of us. If we trust Him, and if they trust Him, we'll all be okay."
"That's right," agreed Evalyn. "God's not going to let them get hurt because of something out of their control.”
"I still don't want to go," said Mike.
"I know, Mike," said Josh, "I know."
***
Late that night, Josh and Evalyn cuddled in bed, relaxed and feeling more serene than either had felt in some time. Both were lost in their own thoughts.
"You handled that very well," Evalyn offered.
He ran his free hand gently down her body. "Why, thank you, dear. A man always likes to hear that."
That caught her off guard, and she giggled like a schoolgirl. She put her hand over his, and caressed it gently. "Actually, I was thinking about our family conference but, yes, you handled both exercises very well. Very well, indeed."
"Well, thanks again." He stared at the ceiling. "Mike's pretty upset, though."
"I noticed,"
"He didn't seem overly enchanted with my attempt at explanation and clarification."
She shook her head. "No, I don't suppose so. But, anyway, you said the right things. We all have to do our own thinking."
They lay in silence. "How about me trying for a third compliment?" he asked, in what he imagined was his most provocative whisper.
She kissed him gently, then rolled over so her back was against his. "Dreamer," she said, sleepily.
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