Josh was pacing around the kitchen. Evalyn was trying to fix lunch. The two activities were not meshing well. She nudged him out of the way for the fourth or fifth time. She was feeling unreasonably angry.
"Paul didn't understand what I was trying to say,” he said for the second or third time.
She slammed down the pot she was carrying. “Well, frankly, I don't know what you're trying to say, either!" She started to cry.
He stared at her, dumbfounded. "Ev, what's the matter?"
She closed her eyes, and clenched and unclenched her fists as she responded. "I don't know what's happening around here. They're trying to fire us, but that's okay because you say you can't be a pastor, anyway. So, I ask what are you going to be, and you say that there are always other things. I ask what those ‘other things' are, but you don't know. Josh, I don't have a clue what's going on in your head, anymore!"
He continued to stare at her, but he was feeling hurt now. "That's not fair. I've told you all I know. I'm trying to work it out!"
She opened her eyes. "That's exactly right. You're trying to work it out. What about me? I'm involved in this, too. What about Pete's reminder that we're all in this together? You said he was right, so why are you working it out? For that matter, what about God? Doesn't He have some part in this?"
That struck home, but he didn't know what to do about it. "You make me sound like the Lone Ranger! I've been sharing with you. I've told you everything I've been thinking."
"That's right, you've told me everything." She came over closer to him. "Don't you see? It's all you. It should be we. It's too big and too important to us and to the others, for it to be a one-man decision. We've got to work it out, together."
"I told Paul what I was thinking," he reminded her, still resisting.
"Yes, you told him. Did you ask him anything?"
He began to think about it. "I just told him what was on my mind, I guess. He asked a few questions." He paused. "Then, he wished me luck." Evalyn didn't comment. "What do you think I should do?" he asked, finally.
She smiled at him. "I think we should take it to the group, and get them thinking and praying about it. I don't think we want to wait until someone calls a meeting of the board, and we're suddenly forced to make some sort of decision."
He put his arm around her, still not convinced he understood the argument, but trying to be. “Okay, partner, we'll do that. How about tonight?"
"Prayer meeting."
"Oops. I guess we better be there, and not give anybody any more fuel for a fire, right now. But we could meet after the service, at eight-thirty or so." He paused. "You know, I'd really like to discuss this with Milt Thomas before it goes much farther."
"Potentially jobless pastors don't have a lot of money for plane fares." It was a half-joke, anyway.
"I know." He pondered that. "Maybe we could drive and meet halfway, if we paid his motel bill."
"Hey, Josh, I was only joking. We're talking about the rest of our lives. We need all the help we can get!"
"I know, but maybe that's not a bad idea. It might be good to get on ‘neutral ground' and really let it all out."
***
Charley and Bob couldn't drive back to town two nights in a row. Other than the two of them, Ed and Betty were the only "regulars" who didn't show up at the Felton's after prayer meeting. Josh didn't waste much time before explaining their (and he emphasized "their") new problem. As might be expected, initial reactions were mixed. The shock was clear on several faces, particularly Donna's, Pete's, and Carolyn's.
Harry commented first. "Il can't say I expected any of this - far from it! Still, I can see what you're saying. Bev and I have kicked around the fringes of a number of churches, never completely joining in, for just exactly the reasons you mention. It seems like a sad commentary on organized religion!"
"Amen," said Bev, almost under her breath.
"On the other hand,” Harry went on, "I hate to think of you leaving. You're a good pastor, and a good teacher, and the church needs you, whether or not anybody recognizes that." He continued more quietly. "From my personal standpoint, what you're considering hits pretty hard. Bev and I may not be accepted denominationally, but we've really found a home with this group. It's hard to think of it breaking up so soon."
Bev had tears in her eyes. Carolyn was crying silently, her body shaking slightly with each sob, Evalyn sat between them, and put her arms around both.
"Forgive me," Carolyn almost whispered. "I don't mean to make your decision any harder than it is, already. But your talk of leaving - I feel deserted! You've come to mean so much to me."
"Oh, Carolyn!" Ev held her more tightly, and cried along with her.
No one said anything for a minute or two. Finally, Paul spoke up. "I've had all day to think about this, Josh, and I think I understand most of what you're saying. Frankly, it still doesn't seem right to me. What if all pastors took your position? The church as we know it would disintegrate."
"And I guess I'm saying that I think that might not be so bad."
"But damn it, Josh!" Paul slapped the coffee table, in frustration. "Excuse me, everybody; but Josh, that's anarchy. You can't just throw out something as historical and as important as the organized church, without replacing it with something. Flawed as it is - and, as I said, I see your point - people depend on the church for their spiritual life. That may not be good, but as somebody said recently, for most Christians it's the only game in town!"
Josh spread his arms in a gesture of frustration. "And I hear what you're saying, too, and I obviously overstated my frustration. Still, when I consider it all together... " Words failed him.
"I can't believe you're not going to fight," said Donna, and her voice clearly expressed her disbelief.
"What good would fighting do?" Josh asked her.
"What do you mean, what good would it do?" Pete asked, and it was clear how upset he was. "We've agreed we're doing what God wants, and we've agreed that at most a handful of people in the church are opposed to the changes. Is it right to sacrifice yourself and the majority of the church for a few dissidents? It would seem to me that God would want us to fight!"
Josh tried to pick his words carefully, in deference to Pete's obvious frustration with him. "I hope it's true that most of the church is with us, or at least not against us. I think it probably is true. But I'm not the only pastor in the world, and it might be that someone new could pull everything and everybody back together without undoing the good that's been started. I can't see it as sacrificing the church, no matter what we decide. As for sacrificing myself, what I'm trying to get across to you is that I'm thinking it would be no sacrifice at all for me to give up the job!"
"Well, if you don't care for your own sake, how do you feel about sacrificing us?" Donna spat the words out, accusingly.
Everyone looked at her in disbelief. "Well, that's what happens," she replied to the unspoken questions. "Pete and I work for you, Josh. We serve at your whim. If you go - for whatever reason - we go, too."
"If we fight and lose," Pete continued, "Then we're out, just as surely. But at least we've fought! If you give up now, we're sunk with nothing to say about it."
"Hadn't you thought about that?" demanded Donna.
Tears were flowing freely from Josh's eyes by the time Pete and Donna had finished venting their frustration. He could hardly speak to respond to them. "Oh course, I've thought about you. Ev and I have prayed about it."
"Then why haven't you talked to us about it?" Pete demanded.
Josh could only look and feel helpless. "I should have," he said, simply.
"Yes, you should have." Pete couldn't stop himself from twisting the dagger a little bit, his own hurt was so great. He got up as if to leave. Donna stood, also.
"Wait a minute!" Harry commanded. "I know this is hard, but nobody - I repeat, nobody - is leaving here until we pray together. We can't resolve it all tonight, but I know that God doesn't want us to go away without Him putting in His two-bits worth."
The Newsoms still hesitated. "Sit," said Harry. "Please," he added. They sat. "Now, let's pray together."
They sat in silence for several minutes. When words finally came, they were from Beverly. "Father, this is clearly one of those times when we don't know how to pray as we ought. Here we are, Your people learning how to function together as parts of Your body, and we don't feel unity. We feel sadness, and we feel frustration. Yes, we even feel anger toward one another. We feel overwhelmed, Lord, both individually and as a group. We see no way to make this a 'win-win' situation. We see no way to even get out gracefully, We are downcast.”
She paused for most of a minute, then laughed, It came out as a short, happy burst of sound. “But, Lord, why should we be downcast? This is exactly the kind of situation You had in mind when You guaranteed us that Your Holy Spirit would be here to guide us through the roughest of times. We should praise You!" She paused, again. "But we can't, Lord; not now, not yet, It's too hard for us. So, all we can do now is ask You for that guidance that You promised us,"
It was quiet. There was no singing, no more prayers, no messages in other languages, and no prophesies. There wasn't even an appreciable lifting of the generally depressed atmosphere. "Thank You, Lord," Bev finally whispered, releasing everyone from the need to appear prayerful. Pete and Donna immediately started for the door.
"Wait!" urged Jenny. "Please, everybody, wait just a minute, I don't know what to call this - maybe it's a prophesy, or something. I just feel that I'm supposed to tell all of you something. Some words have been so strong in my head for the past five minutes or so that I almost yelled them out a couple of times. I know it was God, and I know He wants me to say the words to all of you before you go."
She had their attention. "He just said two words: 'Trust Me'."
No one lingered, after that. Ev and Josh hugged everyone except Pete and Donna (they had gone too quickly), but no one had much left over for talk or stronger comfort-giving. The kids were both obviously upset. Mike found himself feeling unusual anger toward his father, and in turn feeling a strong sympathy for Donna and Pete. He didn't share it; he just moped off to his bedroom. Karen followed, feeling sad and bewildered.
Josh went directly to his and Evalyn's bedroom. He didn't make it before the tears burst out full force. He sat on the edge of the bed, and sobbed unrestrainedly. Ev sat beside him, her hand resting on his back, and cried softly to herself.
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