"Hey, Fluff, how's it going?" Beau called across to the cat on the neighboring porch. "I haven't seen you around much, lately."
"No, my Human family has been off on vacation, and I've had a pet sitter coming in to put out my food and water. She's okay, but she won't let me outside. I have to use the cat box, and you know how they get after a few days."
"Yeah, I know very well. At least, you're lucky you're a female. A box used by a virile Tom, like me... Well, let's not talk about that. Things better left unsaid."
They both took a little time to preen themselves. Beau was feeling a little mischievous. "Now that you're not a kitten, anymore, does it bother you to have a kitten name, Fluffy?"
"Not much. I didn't name myself, and there's nothing I can do about it. Does it bother you that, while Beau sounds pretty masculine, I happen to know that your kids actually named you Beauregard Bump."
Beau was silent for a moment. "Yeah, I didn't think anybody remembered that. At least, they don't call me that, anymore. It is pretty embarrassing.
"Now, to change the subject, how many birds have you eaten, lately?"
"Eating a bird? Why would I eat a bird, for one tiny bite of meat and a mouthful of feathers? My Humans supply me with all the apparently nutritious, but extremely boring, kibble I can eat."
"Yeah. Me, too. I wish that my Humans watched more television, and would see all the ads for that interesting, moist, meaty pet food that you have to keep fresh in the refrigerator. Now, that looks worth eating."
"It may be good for us pets, but it seems to be really bad for Human relationships. Humans always seem to be arguing with their friends and 'significant others' over whether it's good to keep pet food in the fridge. I don't know how many couples I've seen break up over that issue."
"Even so, I think I'd let them risk a little heartache, if it meant I got something to eat that was more appetizing than kibble."
Pause, for more grooming. "Why did you ask me about eating birds?" Fluff eventually asked.
"Oh, I saw a thing on the television about how us cats were causing the extinction of thousands of bird species."
"I remember that one. It was supposed to be a news story, but the Human delivering it was one of those sarcastic ones, who act like they know something that nobody else knows. He started out talking about all the adorable kitten photos on the Internet, then suddenly and dramatically told the audience that those cute little creatures grew up to be 'killer cats,' destroying the natural world."
"That sounds like the same one I saw. He said that - just in the United States - cats killed between one and four billion birds each year. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to slink out of the room before my Humans remembered that I am a 'killer cat.'"
"I felt kind of the same way, but I got wondering. From what I see on the television, there must be hundreds of brands of pet food available. Why would cats have to catch birds?"
"You mean, like Marie Antoinette might have said, let them eat kibble!"
"I don't know Marie. Is she a neighbor?"
"No, she's an historical figure. That was kind of an historical, or literary, allusion."
"Illusion? You mean, she doesn't really exist? She's not real?"
"Not illusion, Fluff. Allusion. When you allude to something, you are referencing some other instance. Marie Antoinette was supposed to have said 'let them eat cake,' so for cats... Oh, forget it. It doesn't really have anything to do with the so-called 'killer cat' situation."
"I still don't get it."
"Let's move along, Fluff. Now, the story may be basically true, although I can't believe that Humans really have a good way of knowing how many billion birds we're supposed to have killed. But say it's true. Any time you say 'a billion,' it sounds pretty awful. Still, most bird species - particularly the kind and size of birds that most cats would be killing - don't live more than a few years, naturally. Many billions must die every year. That may not make the take by cats any more acceptable, but let's not get stampeded just by big numbers.
"Now, I saw another news story that gave a little clarification to the 'shock jock's' presentation. First, very little of the carnage is caused by us house cats - those of us who have Humans living with us, and have a steady supply of food - even if it is kibble. The report is mainly about cats without homes - those trying to survive in the wild, without Human help."
"I wondered about that," replied Fluff. "I mean I've caught birds on the ground, on occasion - we can be pretty quick, that's for sure - but in our neighborhood, the yards are so manicured that about the only reason birds would be close to the ground is if Humans are putting out seed for them. We don't catch birds that live near the tops of trees."
"You got that right. Also, they're not really talking about even the average un-homed cat doing the major damage. I guess the write-up of the original study points out that the biggest problems are from cats that get introduced onto islands. Well, duh! It doesn't take a lot of brains to see the issue, there. Even Humans should be able to see it. Birds that live on islands where there are no predators naturally, don't think anything about nesting on the ground, and wandering around without any concern for their vulnerability. Put a cat among them, and it goes for the easiest food source. But cats are no different than any other introduced species. For example, put rabbits on an island. They don't eat birds, but they eat all the vegetation that the birds need for cover, nesting, and maybe food. Introduce foxes to eat the rabbits. Maybe they do, but they also eat the vulnerable birds. Or, rats get introduced on an island by mistake. Rats eat birds and birds' eggs. Introduce mongoose to eat the rats. They probably do, but they also eat the native birds and their eggs. I even heard of one case where they moved some rare mammals - Tasmanian devils - to an island, to protect them from a disease that was threatening them on the mainland. Within a very short time, the Tasmanian devils had completely wiped out one colony of little flightless penguins, and had made great strides toward the extinction of another seabird that nests in burrows in the ground. Were any of these the fault of the cats, the foxes, the mongoose, the Tasmanian devils - or were they just doing what come naturally, in an unnatural situation?"
"And, of course," said Fluff, "The island situation turns out much worse because the native species are especially vulnerable to the new predators, and can't do anything but what they've always done. The new predators have to eat, so they eat what's most available."
"Exactly. So, who's to blame? If you watch the evening news, you know that Humans have a big problem with Humans who don't have homes. Most of them don't want to be without homes, but there's not a lot they can do about it.
"Homeless cats didn't become homeless on their own. They've not out in the wilds, living the happy, carefree, unfettered life they love. They're there because Humans caused them to be there, and now the cats are just doing what they have to survive - as we said about the island situation, just doing what comes naturally in an unnatural situation.
"What to do about it? Well, Humans have a great record for making big mistakes. They have a really poor record for being able to correct those mistakes. Usually, the things they try have no real relevance to the real problem."
"You mean like having us house cats wear bells around our necks, so the birds can hear us coming? I heard one reporter suggest that."
"Yeah, I'd like to make a few reporters wear bells around their necks, to see how annoying and how meaningless it would be. Another example I heard about is in New Zealand. One community has organized a cat-killing contest for little children. The kid f4 years old or younger who kills the most feral cats get a $250 prize."
"That's barbaric! Teaching little Humans to kill! And what if they shot somebody's pet cat, by mistake?"
"Oh, the organizers have that covered. Any kid that shoots somebody's pet is expelled from the contest. If a contestant happens to shoot a cat that has a microchip imbedded - so owners can better keep track of their pets, you know - the kid can't count that kill in their total."
"Oh, that's good. So everything's okay?"
"Well, they're good examples of how Humans address problems that they really don't have any solutions for. I call it doing something while doing nothing. Oh, I just thought of another example - not about cats, but about non-solving of problems. Last week, I was out here on the deck after dark, and had an interesting conversation with a barred owl."
"A barred owl? I didn't know we had them, here. I just know the great horned owls."
"We didn't have them twenty years ago, at least not many. They've been moving in as Humans cut down the original forests, and create new growth much better for barred owls than the original. However, the government biologists have decided that the barred owls are creating problems for our native spotted owls, by taking over their habitat. They aren't. The needs of the two species are entirely different. I don't know if the biologists are really stupid, or if it would be too much of a political fight to do what the spotted owls really need, so they've invented this new 'solution' to make it look like they're doing something.
"Anyway, what they're doing is shooting every barred owl they can find. The barred owl in our backyard is essentially hiding out, knowing his survival chances are pretty slim if he tries to survive outside the city limits."
"Well, that's pretty weird. But, getting back to cats. Are we a problem - not us, but homeless cats?"
"Technically, I suppose I'd have to say yes. But considering it alongside other problems, it's pretty insignificant. Most of the forested areas of South America have been destroyed - the areas that have always provided vital winter habitat for our North American birds. Pesticides have killed off many of the insects that birds like swallows and flycatchers have to have. Global warming, and other aspects of climate change, have already had major effects on bird survival. Nothing significant will be done about it, because Humans are not going to give up Capitalism, and giving up that economic approach to everything is the only way that Climate Change can be stopped, or even slowed."
"I don't know a lot about economic systems, but it's always seemed to me that Capitalism means you can do anything - no matter either short-term or long-term effects - as long as somebody makes money out of it."
Beau chuckled. "You may not know much about economics, Fluff, but that's a good a definition as I've heard."
"Well, thank you, kind sir."
"You're welcome. So, anyway, we're not going to stop Climate Change. Nobody knows how it will end. Well, that's not quite true. The 'end' will undoubtedly be the extinction - or near extinction - of all animal life on Earth - Humans, cats, and everybody else. I think the only uncertainty is when. I don't think we should plan for many more generations."
"That's not something I worry about. I have been, as they euphemistically put it, 'fixed'."
"Yeah. Me, too, although it's not something a Tomcat likes to admit."
"Well, your secret's safe with me. After all, you are my best friend."
"That's might nice of you to say!"
"It's not like I have a lot of choice, but..."
"Well, that spoiled the mood!"
"You didn't let me finish. What I was going to say is that, even if the circumstances were different, I think you'd still be my best friend."
"Wow, that's even nicer. Thank you, Fluff!"
"You're welcome, Beauregard."
"Fluffy!"