PROLOGUE
GIRL TO WOMAN
So far, the "Eighties" were not going as Claire had expected them to. She'd been following her plan for almost ten years, and everything seemed to be... well, going as planned. Now, everything seemed to have stopped, and she couldn't understand why. It was frustrating that something had happened (or not happened) that she hadn't figured on. But it was worse than that, because she hadn't had any inkling that she was off-course. She was stymied.
Through her Junior year in high school, Claire was probably your "average American girl," early 1970s Model. (Well, now that she'd been out in the world a bit, she knew she should qualify that to "average White, middle-class American girl," but she knew what she meant.) She had friends - both boys and girls - liked some boys more than others; was a good student (well, maybe that wasn't "average"); liked clothes, music, dancing, cars, boys... Well, American girl!
As for the future, she assumed she would go to college (her parents could afford it, she thought, and it was becoming "the thing to do" for girls in her situation), then "get a job" (not sure what), and probably eventually marry a nice boy, have babies, live in a little house with a white picket fence... Well, she didn't really picture that fairy tale, but the getting married and raising a family was in there, some way. American girl!
That all began to change in 1973, her Senior year. As one of her "electives," she'd signed up for "Home Economics." She didn't know exactly what it would be about - she suspected that it was not the same "little homemaker" course taught to elementary school girls for a million years, but was maybe a modern version of that. Whatever it was, it couldn't hurt, and was probably an "easy A." The teacher was young (probably less than ten years older than her), remarkably pretty, and super vivacious. Later, Claire learned she was Jennifer - "Jenny," to friends - but to begin with, she was just the name written on the blackboard, Ms. Newell. The course turned out to be a lot more interesting than Claire had anticipated, and Ms. Newell made it a lot of fun, and very provocative, as well.
Claire could still remember Ms. Newell's introduction to the class. It went something like this. "Since Time began, 'Home Economics' has been taught to high school girls to get them prepared to take on their future roles as wives and mothers. Since Time began, it has just been assumed that girls would finish high school (or, at least, have some schooling), meet a nice boy, marry by 19, and begin having babies by age 20. If Eve had had a mother, I'm pretty sure that some time before Eve hooked up with Adam in the Garden of Eden, Mom would have conveyed that kind of a message to her. I'm sure that's what the school board had in mind when they assigned this semester's class to me.
"I will teach you what you need to know for that future, but they're the same kinds of things you'll need to know if you don't get married right out of high school - if you get a job and first see a little bit of the single adult world. It will be what you need to know if you decide to go to college before you marry, either just to expand your mind or because you think you might want a real career in something. It will help you if you decide to take a couple years off, and backpack your way around the world before you settle down. Suppose you do get married, but you and your hubby decide to wait before starting a family - or maybe decide not to have children, at all, and to concentrate on your two careers. What if you decide not to get married, ever? This teaching will still be useful, and important.
"Now, before both you and I forget why I started this speech, let me make two points. First, no matter what 'tradition' says, and no matter what 'expectations' are, never forget that women have as many options in life as do men. The ways we can go are not gender-specific. Anything a man can aspire to, a woman can, also. They'll even let us join the Army now, formerly a 'men only' option. I don't think they'll let us shoot anybody, yet - combat assignments are still not available to us girls - but I wouldn't be surprised if even that changes, one day. Anyway, my message is: Don't ever be afraid to go after what you want to go after, even if it's not what is 'expected' of you.
"Second, the point of this class: No matter what you decide to do with your life, you have to eat. You have to plan your living arrangements. You have to know how to get best value in everything you buy and do. My lessons are interchangeable among the various paths forward you can take. The lessons won't be wasted, no matter what you decide to do."
Ms. Newell had kept to the course outline in class, but she obviously had a lot of other things on her mind. A few of the students (Claire included) used to talk to her after class, on lunch breaks, and occasionally for "Cokes" after school. There were some pretty strong rules about teachers meeting with students outside of class, but their get-togethers were all pretty casual, although less and less spontaneous as the teacher got into her "message."
It didn't take long before someone asked if Ms. Newell was married. "I'll tell you," she said, "But first I want to tell you why I have people call me 'Ms. Newell.' I am definitely always a woman, but on the job - in the workplace - I am a 'person,' doing what I was hired to do. Gender is not a consideration - well, that's not entirely true yet, but we're working on it. Anyway, if my gender doesn't matter, my marital status certainly doesn't. In the workplace, I intend to be 'just me.'
"Now, the 'Ms.' designation has some specific benefits. There are some men in the world - and in the office - who think that every woman is just waiting to receive their attentions, whatever their (his or her) marital status. Discouraging that group takes more direct action than just a nebulous surname. On the other hand, most men know that 'Ms.' could be short for 'Mrs.', and they don't care to waste their valuable time on unavailable females. Well, there are some of those same men who think 'Ms.' means 'Lesbian,' and they certainly don't want to risk involvement with that sort.
"I am not a man-hater. I like men very much, just not the ones who think I am an adorable, but brainless, sexpot. If I find a man who wants me on my terms - or on mutually-agreed-on terms - I seem to be able to convey my availability, regardless of the 'Ms.'
"Now, finally, to the question: am I married? No. Have I ever been married? No. Do I want to be married? Not now. Do I ever want to marry? I certainly like the idea, if I can find a man I can appreciate as a whole person, and who sees me the same way. I haven't met him yet."
The next time they talked outside of class, one of the girls asked what Jenny had meant when she said "gender" was still an issue in the workplace, but that "they were working on that." That led to a series of discussions over several weeks. Jenny's response (not her actual words, and not delivered all at one time) went something like this:
"When our Constitution was written, women were pretty much left out of it. Well, some of the broad rights applied, like we couldn't be thrown in jail without 'due process' - being told what we were supposed to have done, and having the right to defend ourselves. But when the Constitution opened with the statement that all 'men' were created equal, and had 'certain inalienable rights,' it wasn't a mistake. 'Men' was not a short way of saying 'Mankind' (our species), or like in the bible, 'Man' (human) does not live by bread, alone. It very definitely was meant to apply only to people of the male sex. Women - females - you and me - are not covered. Our status didn't change when the United States became a nation.
"In those early days, daughters were essentially the property of their fathers until they married, then they passed into the ownership of their husbands. It wasn't called 'slavery' when it involved White women, but it pretty much was. Women had to get a man's permission for almost everything. Women couldn't vote. Women couldn't hold government offices. Women couldn't own property. If she had any possessions before she got married (like, something she inherited from her parents), that became her husband's property when she married.
"This exclusion of women was definitely noticed at the time. One of my favorite quotes from back then is from President John Adams' wife, Abigail. She's one of my favorite people, and I have this quote framed in my office at home. It's from a letter she wrote to her husband in 1776. I can almost quote it all. She asks him to 'remember the ladies,' and be more 'generous and favorable to them' than his predecessors had been. She warns him not to put 'unlimited power into the hands of the husbands' because 'all men would be tyrants if they could.' She tries to keep it light-hearted, but her closure is said in a way that shouldn't be ignored. I do know this part by heart. 'If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.'
"Well, her plea didn't get much attention right away, but women have carried the fight forward, and like the cigarette commercial tells us in everything we see or read today, we have 'come a long way, baby.' We can vote, we can own property, and we can have and use a bank account or credit card without needing a husband's approval. That's certainly progress, and not to be sneezed at. But it's not enough.
"That finally brings me to the question that I think started this long ramble: what's left to do? The answer to that is, quite a bit. Things are still far from equal between men and women, and the lack of 'equality' usually has nothing to do with gender. Women are still excluded from many jobs - not because we couldn't do them, but strictly because we're women. When we do get them, we're almost always paid much less than a man would get, doing the exact same job. Being a wife and mother is a 24-hour job, for which we get no direct pay. Well, that one may never change, but we need some recognition that motherhood is a legitimate occupation, and that we're not doing it just for fun.
"There are some very serious issues that are not work- or career-related. Do you know that in this country, a wife can't stop a husband from having sex with her, if he wants to and she doesn't? In all the movies and tv shows, the wife says 'not tonight, dear. I have a headache.' In real life, I think most husbands will take 'no' for an answer, but there's no law that says he has to. The law assumes that, when a woman marries, she gives her body to her husband for whenever he wants it. In some countries - some you might not think of as 'female friendly,' like Russia and Poland - if she says 'no,' but he says 'yes,' and then does what he wants, anyway, that's called 'marital rape.' In the good old U. S. A., it's called hubby exercising his marital privilege! Even if only one man in 1,000 would actually force his wife in that way, it just shows that any man could do it, if he wanted to. In a book back in 'the Twenties', Bertrand Russell claimed that married women endured more 'undesired sex' than prostitutes did! I hope he was wrong, but even if he was 'in the ball park,' it just emphasizes that it has to be made criminal.
"So, I said that 'something' is being done about it. After trying in almost every Congress since 1932, in March of this year the Equal Rights Amendment was finally passed. Before it is actually added to the Constitution, it still has to be officially approved by two-thirds of the states. It seems pretty certain it will be.
"The Amendment is only a few sentences long, and doesn't seem to say much. But when you read that 'equality' cannot be 'denied or abridged' by the Federal government or by the state governments 'on account of sex,' you are beholding the first legislation in the history of our country to address the equal place of women. There's still work to do to figure out how it will be enforced in practice - and I suspect it will be challenged in court more than once or twice - but it will soon be the 'law of the land! That is definite progress."
Claire had never heard any of this before, and she found herself equal parts angry and excited. She started another round of talks when she asked Jenny why it had taken forty years to get such a logical, simple amendment through Congress.
"A big part of the delay was because - like almost everything - it was men deciding what women need. Women's groups managed to get the amendment to Congress regularly, but Congress has been - still is! - almost wholly male. There have never been more than two women in the Senate at the same time - in other words, 2 women and 98 men. It looks a little better in the House of Representatives - around 15 women in most recent sessions of Congress - but remember, that means there are about 420 men. It takes a lot of men voting with the women to have any chance of a bill being considered, let alone passed. Until recently, few men have chosen to vote in favor.
"Why not vote for the amendment? Lots of reasons. Some men sincerely (but wrongly!) don't think any specific mention of women's rights is necessary - that the wording of the Constitution is adequate, and men can look out for women, just fine. Some men don't want women's rights to be recognized, either because they don't think women are smart enough to tend to our own needs; because they worry that somehow the balance of power will shift, and traditional family structure will be jeopardized; or because any suggestion that women are 'equal' might mean men have to fight against us for their jobs, or for their traditional standing as the decision-makers.
"But I can't blame it all on the men. Women have kept the drive alive, even if they can't vote for the result, but women have also opposed the bill, sometimes pretty strongly. Like the men, there are a variety of motives. I think some sincerely fear that the groups pushing for the amendment really want to upset the traditional man-woman family arrangements. More personally, some women really like the fact that they get special treatment from men, considerations they might lose if everybody was suddenly 'equal.' I know what they mean. I like it that men want to protect me, and that they give me special treatment just because I am a woman. But I'm not willing to give up my independence just to preserve those kinds of 'perks.'
"The fact that the amendment finally got passed, despite it still being mostly men who are voting, I think is a good sign that men are not treating every issue as a 'battle of the sexes;' that at least some of them can look at the total needs of Society. Even so, there are big issues between the sexes that can't all be corrected by passing laws."
***
Jenny and the girls continued to have their impromptu discussions, but around Thanksgiving, a few of the more interested students started meeting at Jenny's house for longer, more organized talks. Claire was a regular at those times. At one, she asked Jenny to say more about the 'big issues' that couldn't be handled just with new laws.
"Okay", Jenny began. "Laws are good for addressing some specific issues - well, like getting women pay equal to what men are getting for the same job. The Equal Rights Amendment is going to be a great step forward with those kinds of problems.
"However, there's a much bigger issue that can't be taken care of by a law. That's the way that women are thought about in our society. I don't know how many of you know the name Betty Friedan. She wrote a very important book a few years ago. You were probably too young to be interested, but it excited a lot of us. She invented the term 'feminine mystique,' to describe a general belief - by men, but also by a lot of women - that the real fulfillment for women comes only in marriage, family, and managing a home. By this thinking, women who are really 'feminine' wouldn't want to go to college, have careers outside of the house, or have political opinions. Those are men-things.
"Friedan didn't make this up. She could point to a number of 'authorities' (mostly men) who had expressed that belief. For instance... No, wait a minute, and let me go get something."
Jenny left the room briefly, and came back carrying a big binder. "I save these things when I find them. They make an interesting collection." She thumbed through a few pages. "Here's one of the early ones - a paper given in 1865 at a meeting of the American Medical Association. The doctors liked it so much, they awarded it first prize for the best presentation at the convention. The man who delivered it - a Dr. Storer - was talking mainly about abortion. He had several reasons why all abortions, for any reason, are not only bad, but really criminal. I don't want to get into a discussion about abortion - it's very important, but too complicated for right now - but his main reason for saying all abortions should be banned was because he believed that women really had only one ‘God-given’ function – to give birth to babies. That’s what we were made for, and it was a crime against God if we resisted that in any way."
"That's horrible!" stated one of the girls.
"It is horrible, and some of his other opinions were even more horrible. We'll leave those for another time, maybe. Let's talk about Sigmund Freud.
"You probably know that Freud was a famous sociologist, and back around the turn of the century, he came up with all kinds of ideas about why women are the way we are. I think a lot of his ideas were pretty crackpot, even for the time, but a lot of people paid attention to him. Like Dr. Storer, he though women had it pretty easy, since we were predestined to be wives, mothers, and housekeepers. It was different for boys and men. Here's one of his quotes.
'Long before the age at which a man can earn a position in society, Nature has determined woman's destiny through beauty, charm, and sweetness. Law and custom have much to give women that has been withheld from them, but the position of women will surely be what it is: in youth an adored darling and in mature years a loved wife.'
"Aren't we lucky? Boys have to figure out what to do with their lives, but everything's been decided for us. We're going to be adored darlings, then loved wives!"
"Gag me with a spoon," one of the girls muttered.
"Well put," said Jenny. "But Freud added another little punch to his sealing our fate. He said that women who wanted something different were neurotic. Do you know what neurotic means? Well, it could mean a lot of things, but generally, if someone is neurotic, they are controlled with unhealthy emotions like anxiety, frustration, anger, and depression. Well, of course, if you're not doing what God wants, that would be logical, right?"
Jenny closed her binder. "It's unfair to put all the blame on men. Women - our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers - have given in to that stereotype. They make sure from our very first breaths that we'll be pointed in the motherhood direction. We're pink - pink blankets, pink sleep suits, pink walls in our nursery. (Boys, as you know, are blue, but not so blatant as the pinkness of girl babies.) Our first toys are dolls, so we can practice being mothers. Remember those dolls that will even wet themselves, so you can practice changing diapers? (Boys get toy dump trucks and race cars.) A little older, girls get toy stoves, refrigerators and washing machines - more domestic training. (Boys get Lincoln Logs and chemistry sets.) See where this is all going - girls in the home, boys out in the world. When it comes to making our own decisions about our own lives, it sometimes does feel like we're rebelling against God, not against Society.
"You girls are 'safe' for another couple years, but do you know where this 'feminine mystique' is soon going to be leading you? You're going to be 21, and your elders are going to get really worried that you're running out of time to catch a husband, while you are still 'young.' Remember, you'll be reminded, that you won't be able to produce babies forever. Be sure to keep yourself 'pure,' because men don't want to marry a girl who isn't a virgin. And don't get too educated. Men don't want dumb wives, but they sure don't want a lot of intellectual talk. That isn't 'becoming' and 'feminine.'
"Now, look at me. I'm 29 and unmarried, which - according to current wisdom - is pretty near my expiration date for getting a husband. I don't have a lot of child-bearing years left. I have a college education, and - while I certainly haven't been promiscuous - I am definitely not a virgin. What man could possibly want me? I'm destined to be a lonely old woman, with just my cats for company. Right?
"Well, I may not be marketable to a lot of men, but I think I am still a great buy for a man who would be marketable to me. I'm thinking of a man who sees me as still kind of cute; who likes me in both dresses and blue jeans; who knows we still have a little time for a family, if that's what we want; and who sometimes likes to talk to a woman who can use words of more than two syllables. Believe it or not, there are even men who might enjoy a woman with a little 'experience,' more than they would a completely untouched specimen.
"All I'm really saying is that none of us - women or men - are just cookie cutter figures that are all alike. We're human beings, with our own wants and needs.
"Well, a little more about Betty Friedan, and the 'feminine mystique.' By this time in your education, you've probably all run into Maslow's pyramids of needs. You know, at the base of the pyramid is what your body needs for basic survival, like food and water. After you have that, then the next thing you want is to feel safe and secure. After that, the next thing you want is to belong and be loved. Only after you feel pretty good about those necessities do you start thinking about yourself. You don't want to be just part of the group, you want to be admired and respected. Finally, at the very top of the pyramid, you get around to figuring out who you really want to be, and then taking the actions needed to get you to that stage.
Friedan said - and I agree with her - that the 'mystique' concept of femininity only gets a woman through the basic stages of the pyramid. What it doesn't let her do is grow up. Friedan thought that femininity left us immature, and unable to grow to our full human identity."
***
By the end of the school year, Claire had become a full-fledged "man hater." Obviously, she hadn't taken in Jenny's full message - that the male-dominated system stood in the way of women's equality, but the men as individuals could be quite acceptable. Claire had come to expect that men were going to try to keep her from realizing any dreams she might have, and that every act of apparent kindness or friendliness was just a way of keeping her subservient. Even the boys she'd known as friends her whole life became suspect in her eyes. Most of her old friends of both sexes became uncomfortable around her, and they certainly didn't seek her out if they wanted to have some "fun." She did go to the Senior Prom with an old classmate. Neither enjoyed the evening, and it ended early.
And then she graduated.
***
Over the summer, Claire decided on her life plan. She would go to college, major in government or business, then would get a Masters in Business Administration. She would finish both degrees near the top of her class, would get hired by a prestigious business, and would quickly make a name for herself, despite any male interference.
Her plan worked just as she thought it would. Everything went like clockwork. Now, after three months on the job, something wasn't turning out right.
Go to “Claire, Part Two” (link above)
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