THE PAST
NOTE: I am telling the full story here of my visit to Saltsburg, but I shared only a little of it with Annie and our children. Most of what I left out is quite personal - happened well before I knew Annie, is nothing I've ever told her about, and is nothing I want to share, now. Just remember that, as you read.
***
No one was waiting for me as I left the canal boat at Saltsburg, but no one knew I was coming home. The aloneness felt especially strong when I remembered my last time on that spot. Then, a young woman had come running toward me, had thrown herself into my arms, and hugged me tight to her. What a mistake I had made, after that! I would have loved to believe that scene could be played over again, but I couldn't fool myself. In just an instant, the best part of my life was forever lost. So be it!
Anyway, Saltsburg seemed much as I had left it. There were some new businesses near the canal bank, but most had been planned, or in the works, before I left for Mexico. The tin and stove business that was just opening in 1846 looked prosperous, as did a carriage maker who was just getting started in 1848. A busy foundry was brand-new, I think. I certainly didn't remember it.
There seemed to be little change in the residential part of town. About 500 people lived there when I left, and I doubted that now there were many more, or any less. I don't think it had increased by more than a couple of hundred in all the time I'd lived there - which was my entire 22-year life, except for the last three years.
My family were relative newcomers to Saltsburg. The first settlers had apparently arrived a few years before our war with Britain and the King. Why anybody came is a mystery to me. it is only about 40 miles up-river from Pittsburgh, but I can't imagine it had anything about it that attracted any special attention. Maybe some folks just got to feeling that Pittsburgh was becoming too crowded for them, and they needed some open space. Whatever the attraction, it was almost 25 years before many others felt it, and followed after those first settlers. What finally created a little excitement was salt.
Salt, as most everybody knows, is useful for a lot more than just flavoring our mashed potatoes. A lot of it is used to preserve food for long periods of time, and it is an important ingredient in the hide tanning business. When, near the end of the century, it was discovered that salt was found naturally and in large quantities in the waters underneath what came to be named - appropriately - Saltsburg, a significant business became established.
Salt extraction is hard work, but the actual process is fairly simple. Wells were drilled to bring the salt-impregnated water to the surface, where it was collected in shallow pans and left to evaporate. The remaining salt crystals were collected, packed, and eventually moved down-river to Pittsburgh for sale. Despite the isolation of the site, and the problems of getting the product to market, it proved a lucrative business that survives even today. They say that the local salt became especially important during the War of 1812, when the British had blocked most of the normal shipping routes from the Atlantic, and western Pennsylvania was in a salt-poor region.
As successful as the salt business proved, it was not an industry that encouraged new settlers to come to the area. Increase in the local population, and development of amenities like hotels and restaurants, had to wait for the building of the Western Division of the Pennsylvania Canal - started at the western edge of the Allegheny Mountains in 1826, and completed to Pittsburgh in 1829. With the Eastern Division already completed from Philadelphia to the eastern base of the Alleghenies, and with the development of an intricate system for hauling the canal boats over the mountains on railroad cars, it was suddenly possible to cross the entire width of Pennsylvania by canal boat. It was still a long trip, but one now measured in days of travel, rather than weeks. It didn't turn Saltsburg into an attraction, but the town became an important way-station that benefited from the travelers passing through the area.
The canal was the reason for Saltsburg becoming home to our particular branch of the McCoy clan. Pa had worked on the building of the eastern stretch of the canal, and had become a tender at one of the locks on the Juniata River section. It was his job to raise or lower the water level in the lock so canal boats and other vessels could pass. He wasn't always busy, but he had to be available 24 hours a day, for any boats that needed to pass, so he lived in a little house right at the lock.
When construction began west of the mountains, Pa transferred to the new development. One lock was located right at Saltsburg, and when the canal opened, he was given the job of lock-keeper there. He married a girl from a local family and, not long after that, I arrived. We lived in the house at the lock for a couple of years, but as our family grew, Pa had a larger residence built for us, just up the hill from the canal. He was often on duty at the lock, but our family developed at the house on the hill. That's where my walk across town was taking me at that moment.
I hadn't seen any of the family in almost three years, and no one was expecting me, so you can imagine that my appearance led to some commotion. Mother cried and hugged me, as did my sister Rachel. Pa (who had just come up from the lock) gave my hand a good shake. My younger brother Abe (the map maker) seemed genuinely pleased to see me. The other children - including two babies, a new brother and a new sister since I left - hardly knew me, or remembered who I was, so their greetings were somewhat tentative.
I noted two absences. I learned that Andrew, oldest son after me, had been married about a year, and was living and working at the carriage shop I had passed on the way through town. His wife was the daughter of the carriage maker. When I asked about Mary, my favorite sister - the one of Prince Charming fame - there was some awkward hesitation. Mother finally said that she was living in Pittsburgh, now. My first thought was that she was married - she was old enough, after all - but there seemed to be something more to be explained.
"She's a nun," said Rachel.
I thought she was joking. We were an Irish Catholic family by origin, but had never practiced the religion in any way. Besides, I couldn't picture my vivacious, fun-loving little sister in a nunnery, or monastery, or whatever they called them. I looked at Mother for agreement.
"You should go and see her. She's just in Pittsburgh, and I know would be very glad to have you visit."
I wanted to ask more, but Rachel had the other subject I had been expecting, and dreading, ready for me. "Did you know that your friend Sarah was married?"
I didn't - well, I guess I really did. How else could it be? I tried to act casual, but I doubted I was fooling anybody who knew our history. "No, I hadn't heard that yet? Did she marry someone local?"
Abe answered. "Local, but probably since your time here. He runs one of the freight lines on the canal, and I hear is doing pretty well. They moved to Pittsburgh, as that was the most logical place to have their main office."
"That would seem logical." I couldn't believe how empty I was feeling - a sad, sick condition. "Well, she's still fairly close to family and friends, which she probably likes."
Not much more was said, as Pa had to return to the lock, and Mother had already gone into the kitchen. I followed her there.
"I thought enough had been said about Mary with everyone present. John, I'm not sure I know exactly why she is where she is. I tried to talk to her and help her, but I don't think she told me everything. You've always been her favorite. If you went to see her, you might learn more than we know."
"I'd like to do that, but what's it all about? She isn't a religious person - or never was, anyway,"
"No, it's not about religion. It's about a boy that I think she intended to marry. He was killed in an accident." She paused. "I guess I don't want to tell you more than that, because I think I would be telling it wrong. Go to see her, John."
"Can I do that? She can have visitors?"
"Oh, yes. We see her whenever we go down river. She's always there."
Mother didn't say anything about Sarah, and I didn't want to. Our conversation ended there.
***
I spent the rest of that day, and all the next, visiting with my family, and renewing acquaintances around town. I described all my adventures beginning with the Mexican War, and carrying on through the trip to the Gold Rush. I had an eager audience, particularly when I showed the little bit of gold dust that I hadn't converted to cash.
I enjoyed being with my family, again, but found I was eager to see Mary. On the third morning, I took one of the canal boats to Pittsburgh, then found my way to the monastery. When I explained that I was Mary's older brother, one of the nuns took me to find her. She was in her room, and for a moment I don't think she recognized me. It was only for a moment, however, and suddenly I had a nun in my arms, holding on to me tightly, and crying. After a few moments, I held her away from me, and gave her my best smile.
"Is it permissible for a man to hug a nun?"
She returned a pretty good smile through a last few tears. "It is, when you remember that, under these funny clothes, is the same loving sister I've always been to you."
"That's good to know, because your attire is a little off-putting," I joked.. "It will come as no surprise to you, Mary dear, that this is about the last place I expected to find you. I thought you would be with your Prince Charming, or still impatiently awaiting his appearance."
She gave me a sad smile. "He came, Johnnie, and he was all I'd hoped for. But he couldn't stay, and that's why you find me where you do."
That seemed to fit with the little that Mother had told me, but didn't add to the story. "If it wouldn't cause you too much pain, Mary, I'd like to hear all about it."
She took my arm in hers. "Yes, I think I'm ready to tell the whole story, if I can tell it to you. Let's go out in the garden."
We found a bench in a quiet area, and she began to tell me her story. "Lee - that's Prince Charming - Leland Dubois - came to town with his family when you were off in Mexico. At first, we only saw each other at school, but it's a small town, so we kept running into one another. I won't say that we had a lot in common - we were just school kids! - but we got to like each other, and enjoy one another's company. It was several months before we kissed. Neither of us had ever kissed anybody before, and the experience was amazing. After the first, we couldn't seem to get enough of each other. In public, we were a girl and a boy who obviously liked each other. Whenever we could find a way to be entirely alone, we quickly got well beyond just kissing on the lips. We never went too far..." I must have made some sound that she took for a comment, and she stopped and grinned at me. "Well, our parents' version of 'too far' would obviously have been different than mine, but we had decided that we were going to save quite a bit for our wedding night. The only problem was that, in our minds, we had both built up such fantasies about how that wedding night was going to be, that we felt we were going to have trouble keeping those vows if the wedding didn't occur pretty soon. We were actually in the process of setting a date when..."
She had to stop, then. I sat by her, and let her take her time. Finally, she could go on. "Lee was working with his father, cutting some trees on their land. They knew what they were doing. It should have been perfectly safe, but something went awry. A tree fell directly on Lee, and he was probably killed instantly. When I got the news, I just fell apart.
"Johnnie, you know we live with death all the time. Big families like ours seldom escape losing a child or two, parents die young, or we watch grandparents decline and die. Almost everything we do has potential danger involved, and bad accidents are common. We just learn to kind of take it all in stride. I think it surprised everybody that I didn't react in the usual way to Lee's death but, of course, almost nobody knew the depth of our commitment to one another. I was devastated, and I couldn't right myself. It was Sarah who helped me get through it."
"Sarah? My Sarah?"
Mary tightened her arm in mine. "Sarah who should have been your Sarah - yes, that's who I mean. Of course, we'd all been friends when we were young, but when she and I were suddenly both mourning losing you - for different reasons - we got a lot closer. Sarah was the only one who really knew about Lee and me, so she was the only one who could really understand why it was so hard for me. It was her who talked me into coming here, and who arranged it for me.
"It was funny - at least, in hindsight. I argued with her that I wasn't religious. She said it wasn't about religion - it was about peace and quiet. She also reminded me - well, probably actually told me, because I don't think I'd ever considered it that way - that most nuns were not born nuns. They'd all had some kind of life before, and that 'life before' was probably the reason many of them had become nuns. In other words, she was pointing out that my particular kind of problem would not be unknown to them.
"She was right. It took almost a year, but with the quiet here, and with the nuns' help, I think I'm pretty much myself, again. I still have moments I miss Lee terribly - and I know I'll always regret not having our honeymoon night! - but I'm okay."
We sat quietly for a time, while I considered what I'd heard. "So, sister Mary, are you going to keep being a nun?"
She laughed. "Johnny, I'll never be a nun! I don't have a religious bone in my body. Still, I like it here. I like the quiet, and the slow pace, and don't mind taking part in all the activities. The nuns like me, and I don't think any of them think I'm going to change much, so I think I have a home here as long as I want it. I don't know what I'd do, outside. I think I've had my Prince Charming, and I don't think there is any 'second best' that I could settle for. I'll stay for a while and then... Well, we'll see."
"That sounds fair," I said. "Mother is going to want to know more details than she knows, right now. How much should I tell her?"
Mary thought a minute. "I don't think anybody needs to know more about Lee and me than they already do. I guess just say that I was really committed to our wedding, and it was just too much of a shock for me to bear. Tell her I'm happy, and that I haven't become religious! Tell her to come visit whenever she can.
"Now, enough about me. What about you and Sarah? You know she's living here in town?"
"Yes, Rachel told me."
"You should see her."
"I can't, Mary. I've thought about it in so many ways. If I see her, I'm not going to be able to keep from pouring out all the sorry, sadness, and longing that's still in my heart. That won't help anybody, and will just be awkward for no good reason. Also, I doubt she's told her husband about me. I mean, there isn't really anything to tell, but men are insecure and suspicious. If someone from her past suddenly shows up, there will be obvious questions. She doesn't need that, since there really isn't anything to say."
"You really think that's how it would go?"
"I do. Look, I very stupidly missed my chance with Sarah. There's nothing that can be done, now. All I'd really like is to be able to tell her just how truly sorry I am, and to wish her all the best in her life."
Mary was quiet beside me. "I think I can handle that for you," she said, finally. I thanked her.
After that, we spent considerable time, while I told her about Mexico (she knew most of that, from Sarah), and the trip to California. The story of the overland trip, and the time in the gold fields, fascinated her. "So, what will you do next, Johnny?" she finally, asked.
"I'm not sure. I'm glad I came back - especially to see you - but I feel a little like a visitor, not really a part of the family, anymore. There are young ones I don't even know, and the older ones have all assumed new roles, and closed ranks behind those of us who were missing. They're glad to see me, but..."
"I suspect it would be the same with me, if I went home, now."
"I suspect you are right. They don't love us any less, but time moves on. For me, I think maybe I will start by going back to Iowa. I made some good friends on the California trip, and wouldn't mind seeing some of them, again. Also, there's was talk about some of the families moving to Oregon. That might be something I'd like to try."
"That does sound exciting. But Johnny, you haven't said anything about love, or wife, or family. I've cut myself off from those things, but have you?"
I found myself laughing about that. "Mary, do you know that I have yet to kiss a girl - kiss a woman? I am 23 years old, your older brother, and you have led a far more wanton life than I have."
"Johnny McCoy, I have not led a 'wanton life!' Well, maybe compared to you, I have. Surely, in your travels, you have found girls you'd like to kiss, and would like to kiss you."
"I suppose I must have, but I just haven't been looking. Partly, I think it may have to do with my guilt, and my longing, about Sarah. But I've also developed some odd ideas about women and men and marriage."
"Odd, how?"
I hesitated a moment. "Are you sure you want to get into this, Mary?"
"I would, if you'd like to tell me."
"Okay, I think I would like to tell you. So, okay, just from looking around - and I admit that I haven't looked too closely - woman's job, both in and out of marriage, is to please man, and to have babies. Man's job is to be pleased, and to help create babies. I don't think this is just what men believe. I think many women believe it, too.
"Here's how I see it. Boy meets girl. There is a courtship which in most cases I assume is accompanied by considerable hugging and kissing. They get married, and for the next 20 or more years, the woman is carrying a baby inside, or outside, or both. Is that what all the courtship was about?"
She took a minute to think. "Aren't you kind of simplifying things, John? Don't you think any hugging and kissing are going on while the babies are being made?"
"Oh, I'm sure - or, at least, I hope - there is some. But look at our own parents. Have you ever seen Mother when she wasn't pregnant, or taking care of a new-born? She's been having babies since long before you were born - me, for example - and is still having them when most of her children are old enough to produce offspring of their own. Mother and Pa are always friendly with one another - even affectionate, at times - but have you ever wondered about when they could have a real man-woman time together, when they just got away from the family and enjoyed each other?"
Mary was silent. "Mary, I would like a wife. I think I would like children, but not one a year until we had a dozen or so. I would like a woman who expects to be kissed after marriage better than she was kissed before, who is willing to take a half-hour - or even an hour! - out of the day just to lay with her husband, and let him explore her body until she feels just as excited as he does. Men are stimulated very easily, but if it's just him belng stimulated, that's all it is. It isn't love-making,
"I've hoped that the prostitute was right about what she told me, but until you told me about you and your Prince, I'm not sure I believed it."
I hadn't noticed that Mary was staring at me, open-mouthed. "Back up, Johnny, I think I missed something along the way. Did you say prostitute?''
I felt myself getting rather red. "I did say that, yes."
"But you said you'd never kissed a girl."
"Mary dear, kissing is not what prostitutes are most known for."
I was somewhat gratified to see her turning as red as I felt. "Okay, but I don't really know what they are known for. Are you going to tell me what she said that made you think of Lee and me?"
"I don't know. Is it the nun who wants to know, or my inquisitive little sister?"
"The latter. Now, please tell me."
So, I told her about "the London boys" giving me time with a prostitute for my birthday. "Never having been with a woman, I was interested in the experience. The woman was all business, and the whole transaction was over in a few minutes. It was interesting, having a woman see me, and handle my..."
"I don't want to have to imagine that, Johnny. Just get on with how it reminds you of me."
"Oh, that part. Well, when she finished, I asked her what she got out of the session. 'Money,' she said, but I pressed her as to whether or not she felt anything, herself. She accused me of gathering information for writing a book, so I asked her point-blank whether or not women could have the strong feelings that men got. She said that men who came to her were not interested in her having feelings, just them. But then she relented, and said she would tell me something interesting if I paid for another half-hour."
"She asked you to pay to talk to her?"
"Well, as she put it, her 'manager,' or whatever you call him, expected payment for every session, no matter what occurred. I gave her the money, and she told me her story.
"She was only 15 or 16. Both her parents were dead, and she had no money. An older man said he would provide her with a room. She had never been alone with a man, but she had no illusions about what he expected in return, and she was desperate. He used her, as she expected he would, but with a surprise. When he was satisfied, he kept her on the bed, and for over a half-hour, he fondled her, kissed her in various places in various ways, until - again, as she put it - she felt she was going to explode. After a little more exploring and massaging, she did indeed explode. She said she felt amazingly free and happy.
"Every time he used her, he followed up with the session just for her. She knew it wasn't love - just an interesting payment for services rendered - but it felt like someone really cared for her. It didn't last. He eventually left her, and she became a 'regular whore' - as she put it - but she never forgot the feelings she had, and the responses from her that he achieved.
"Well, what she said gave me hope that I wasn't looking in vain for my life partner. Then, you talked about the feelings you had with Lee. If you had made it to your wedding night, I think..."
"You don't need to 'think' anything, Johnny. We may not have got to the very best, but I know that feeling of 'exploding' very well. It is very real!"
They sat in silence for quite a long time after that, both thinking their own thoughts. Then, as if on cue, they both started to laugh.
"This has been a rather odd conversation to be having with a nun," I finally exclaimed. "What had we been talking about?"
Mary was still laughing. "I think you were going back to Iowa, then maybe to Oregon. I can't recall how we got on this other subject. It certainly has been an eye-opener."
***
We visited a little longer, then I caught a canal boat back to Saltsburg. I visited with the family another day, but I knew I was right about them moving on without me. I said my goodbyes, and caught another boat to Pittsburgh, and eventually down the Ohio to the mighty Mississippi.
***
"Sarah dear, a quick note to tell you about a surprise visit I just had. My favorite brother, Johnny, appeared after being gone for over two years, and no one having any idea where he was, or if he was even still alive. You'll remember what good friends we all were during our long-ago school days. After he got over the shock of hugging a nun, we had a good visit.
"He had already been to Saltsburg and seen the family, so we talked some about that. I told him all about me and Lee, and why I was here. He was surprised, but seemed to understand me and my feelings, very well. Of course, he always seemed to. That's why he is my favorite brother.
"One thing we talked about was that girl in Saltsburg that he loved so much. He admitted that he hadn't realized how much he loved her, or exactly how he loved her, until he had made a stupid mistake (his words) and left her behind. Apparently, she has been on his mind constantly since he left.
"She's not living in Saltsburg anymore, but I suggested if he still felt so strongly, he should try to find her. He said he'd considered that, but decided against it. He acknowledged that she probably has a new life now, and if he saw her, he wouldn't be able to keep from pouring out all his feelings about her. That wouldn't do either of them any good, anymore. He said that all he wished he could do was let her know just how sorry he was about how he had ruined everything, and how he hoped she was having a good, happy life. Under the circumstances, I suspect he is right, but it still seems like an unfinished story to me.
"Well, enough of that. I just thought it was an interesting tale, dating back to our childhoods. We went on to talk about all his adventures. He's been all the way to California, where he joined the 'gold rush.' He didn't make his fortune, but he showed me a little bit of the bright yellow, flaky stuff, that has turned the world crazy these past few years. It is kind of pretty.
I'll write more, later. Come to see me when you can. Your sister (well, it always feels like that!), Mary.”
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